Alright, so I said I’d be posting pictures of Barry Penner with terrifying animals, and I think we can all agree that animals don’t come any more terrifying than this. If Barry Penner can handle a t-shirt wearing 5’9″ bipedal moose with gigantic eyes that goes around promoting proper recycling habits, he can certainly handle ten black bears from the BC wilderness. Piece of cake. He won’t even have to call in his sidekick the Return-It Man to do the dirty work.
I don’t know if you read the news at all, but there was a recent story that, on the surface, didn’t seem like it had anything to do with Barry Penner. I know, I know, I didn’t think it was possible either. But hold on, I’ll explain. During a recent raid on a grow op, the RCMP came across something a little… unusual:
But they also found about 10 bears that the owner appeared to be using to keep people from stealing any pot plants, said RCMP Sgt. Fred Mansveld.
“[Officers] soon noticed the bears were docile and tame,” Mansveld told CBC News.
(…)
Conservation officers now have to decide what to do about the bears, which might have to be destroyed because they have become too used to human food and contact, police said. – CBC News
Okay, so this still doesn’t really seem like a Barry Penner kind of story. But then I (or more accurately, a clever Barry Penner Superfan that send me an email) got to thinking… Barry Penner could just take care of the bears! Everyone knows he’s a friend to all animals, and who couldn’t use ten ferocious black bears to make sure the neighbourhood kids don’t steal your newspaper?
So I figured, this is theme week, so I may as well make the case for Barry Penner adopting the ten guard bears the only way I can: posting pictures of Barry Penner with terrifying animals! All this week: Barry Penner and his Animal Enforcers!
Barry Penner knows exactly where everything in The Environment belongs, and you had better believe that he will exercise all of his Minesterial Might to make sure that things stay where they belong, from the mightiest tree to the littlest fuzzball. Long story short, a yellow-bellied marmot (native to BC’s southeast) has appeared in Victoria, without even the decency of being elected to the legislature! This, of course, represents a threat to local Marmots, who aren’t smart enough to suck up to the people staying at the Empress for free food.
You can watch the whole video below, but if you don’t feel like watching a minute and a half of pointless cute animal scampering (and I wouldn’t blame you), click here to go to the really important part.
Just look at this face. This is the face of disease, the face of parasites, the chunky, chubby face of evil.
Chilling.
Of course, that’s not the whole story. Barry Penner doesn’t just show up when the press is around, oh no. He patrols the grounds at all times, looking for the nogoodniks that feed this threatening alien marmot.
Penner caught two women feeding the marmot Rice Krispie squares.
“I expressed my opinion that Rice Krispie squares would not likely be part of its natural diet,” Penner said. “We then had quite a conversation about marmots.”
Can’t you just picture it? Two shady-looking women, glancing around furtively to make sure the coast is clear, then offering the fuzzy little mooch a snack. All of a sudden, Barry Penner springs from behind a bush! “Ladies,” his booming, authoritative voice rings across the lawn, “I can’t help but notice that you are feeding that yellow-bellied marmot (a cowardly, untrustworthy creature which is technically not a marmot at all, but a ground squirrel, and is not native to this particular region of the province and may be carrying disease or parasites which may be deadly to the honest and hardworking Vancouver Island marmot, which is itself already recovering from dangerously low population levels) some sort of dessert square! I hardly think, and I expect you would agree, that such a creature as that would usually eat such a meal in his natural habitat (which is far away from here), though his chunky chubby girth may hint otherwise! Please stop immediately!” Abashed, they hand over the Rice Krispie square, and Barry Penner grins widely. “Now, who wants to learn more about Marmots?” I think you know how it goes from there.
Geographically displaced marmots eating marshmallow treats? Thank goodness we have Barry Penner to protect us from this madness.
It’s Easter, the only holiday to prominently feature wildlife creatures (well, save Moose Wednesday, but who cares about that?). Here is Barry Penner’s Easter message to the people of British Columbia, as shared by Public Eye Online (starts at about the 30 second mark, though everything before that is still Pure Barry Penner Gold):
So Barry Penner says no to rabbits, no to tribbles, and his actions speak for themselves when it comes to cats… what small fuzzy pets are going to be left? I think perhaps Barry Penner owns stock in a guinea pig farm. It certainly would explain a lot.
Also, was I the only one that thought he’d end the sentence “far too many of them end up…” with “on fire”? I don’t know why, it’s just the first thing that popped into my head. Huh, weird.
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