Barry Penner gives his report to cabinet on “How to Remain Youthful and Awesome While Being a Minister”.

Clearly, nobody is paying as much attention as they should.

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In addition to being a superb MLA and a downright incredible Minister of The Environment, Barry Penner also volunteers his time to help people with their taxes. He’s so good at it, he doesn’t even bother sitting down.

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I think at this point that it should be obvious why Barry Penner is wearing an orange jumpsuit out in the woods, especially given his pose. A bigger question is why he isn’t wearing a hard hat. It isn’t like he’s had trouble sporting one before…

On an unrelated note, that’s some nice hair he’s got there.

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You can watch the whole video below, but if you don’t feel like watching a minute and a half of pointless cute animal scampering (and I wouldn’t blame you), click here to go to the really important part.

Just look at this face. This is the face of disease, the face of parasites, the chunky, chubby face of evil.

Chilling.

Of course, that’s not the whole story. Barry Penner doesn’t just show up when the press is around, oh no. He patrols the grounds at all times, looking for the nogoodniks that feed this threatening alien marmot.

Penner caught two women feeding the marmot Rice Krispie squares.

“I expressed my opinion that Rice Krispie squares would not likely be part of its natural diet,” Penner said. “We then had quite a conversation about marmots.”

- (Times Colonist)

Can’t you just picture it? Two shady-looking women, glancing around furtively to make sure the coast is clear, then offering the fuzzy little mooch a snack. All of a sudden, Barry Penner springs from behind a bush! “Ladies,” his booming, authoritative voice rings across the lawn, “I can’t help but notice that you are feeding that yellow-bellied marmot (a cowardly, untrustworthy creature which is technically not a marmot at all, but a ground squirrel, and is not native to this particular region of the province and may be carrying disease or parasites which may be deadly to the honest and hardworking Vancouver Island marmot, which is itself already recovering from dangerously low population levels) some sort of dessert square! I hardly think, and I expect you would agree, that such a creature as that would usually eat such a meal in his natural habitat (which is far away from here), though his chunky chubby girth may hint otherwise! Please stop immediately!” Abashed, they hand over the Rice Krispie square, and Barry Penner grins widely. “Now, who wants to learn more about Marmots?”   I think you know how it goes from there.

Geographically displaced marmots eating marshmallow treats?  Thank goodness we have Barry Penner to protect us from this madness.

Barry Penner likes to bring along visual aids when he does a presentation. He finds it helps to have something specific to point to, plus it makes it a lot easier for everyone to understand what he’s going on about.

Of course, sometimes he still has to explain things two or three times…

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Barry Penner listens politely as somebody explains about the local Environment. Of course, Barry Penner knows all about it already, but he doesn’t want to discourage anybody from following in his footsteps.

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Now what could possibly be in that sad-looking little cabin that would be worth standing in line for so long?

Of course, now it makes sense!  Who wouldn’t stand around in the rain for hours to get a chance to meet Barry Penner Himself and listen to him explain about Leading in… PROTECTING LAND or Leading by… LIVING WATER SMART?  I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it!

You may even get a free pamphlet!

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Last year, my wife and I purchased a used hybrid-car that has a hands-free phone option built into the sound system. My cellphone also has a “speaker phone” mode so I can use it without holding the phone to my ear. – Chilliwack Times

See, he has a super high-tech phone with something called “speaker phone” mode. Incredible. I bet it even tells him who is calling and what time it is and all sorts of cool stuff like that.  Just wait until that becomes available to the general public. It’ll be like the Jetsons.

It’s also a nice of him to very subtly mention his car is a hybrid… just in case somebody has forgotten that he’s in charge of The Environment.

Barry Penner is known to roam the trails of British Columbia, giving lectures to passing hikers on the Environment and other things of great importance. It’s a rare treat for the modern outdoorsman.

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Barry Penner gives a quick lesson on how to pose for a great nature shot.

First, you find some Environment. A mountaintop or any sort of running water is ideal. It’s best if you can find some without an ugly building behind it, but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

Second, find something to get your leg up on.  A rock is good, a pier will do in a pinch, or even just standing a little weird so it LOOKS like your leg is on something. The important thing is to get your knee up. It looks more dynamic that way.

Next, find something waaaaaaaay off in the distance and point at it. This gives it a sense of mystery. What is Barry Penner pointing at while standing in a dynamic pose in front of some Environment? I certainly don’t know!

Finally, wear an orange vest. That’s so that people can see where you are.

Okay, now you try.

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